[Something always feels easier in his chest when Archie laughs. That's as indisputable as the laws of physics.
But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
Lord, Horatio. We're a right pair of idiots. [His laughter easing, he puts out a hand to steady himself against Horatio's shoulder.
He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
[Maybe everything isn't terrible. If Archie is laughing and touching his shoulder, warm and at ease again, then maybe the most precious friendship Horatio has won't be swallowed whole by these rough hurts.
The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
[That's an odd thought--Archie hearing, understanding, and simply shrugging the bold supposition off. Maybe it's just that the question isn't one of life and death here. Maybe it's just that Archie has always had a far more even keel between the two of them.
It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
I thought-- [He's almost embarrassed of it now. Wasn't that one of his greatest faults? Too quick to think the worst and get caught up in the emotion of the moment.
He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
[This isn't exactly right yet. There are still a few wrinkled edges to smooth back into place, a few bits and pieces to be swept up and set to rights. But there's barely any hesitation in reaching to give Archie's arm a light squeeze.]
You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
[Archie reaches back so they're holding each other's arms, and if that isn't comforting nothing else ever will be.]
I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
[This still feels right. This isn't at all going to help with the impression that they're lovers.
But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
[Horatio's fingers at his arm aren't helping ease the tightness in his chest, but they're comforting after the panic he's just felt and distracting enough that he doesn't check himself as he responds.]
I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in my bed.
[That's... probably fine to say to a shipmate. That probably shouldn't quicken Horatio's pulse, pressed lips parting just slightly without any proper words to follow.
Better to focus instead on the lovely seep of relief through his bones.]
Hm.
[This isn't perfect. Nothing in Horatio's life ever has been. At least this imperfection leaves something warm in his chest, rather than the usual sinking sensation.]
[There. That's another bit of tension unwound from Horaito's shoulders. His cheeks are still absolutely on fire, but it's the manageable sort of fluster he can breathe through.]
Good. [Emotional exhaustion unschools his features sufficiently to gnaw absently at the corner of his lip, gaze briefly flitting up the stairs they're sheltering beside.] Tonight?
[Tonight had been... fraught, in a way things usually weren't between them. Space might help.
Falling asleep listening to Archie's pulse also might.]
[Odd, how comforting it had become to catch hold of Archie's hand. Also odd, how natural it felt to squeeze at the other man's familiar fingers, to shift and press the other lieutenant's knuckles briefly against his cheek in a tired gesture of affection.
Not remotely odd, how half the compound must have landed on the idea the two young men were lovers.]
Lead the way, then.
[He'll sleep well, Horatio is fairly certain, with this weight lifted from his chest. Best of all if he's allowed to press in close, tangling long limbs into place so he can press himself in safe against Archie's collarbone. Perhaps he'll even test the theory while he's properly awake.]
[ The walk to his quarters is familiar, though it feels new to undertake it with Horatio's hand in his.
The tightness in his chest is still there. He suspects he won't sleep easily tonight. Not now that Horatio is aware of what the talk is. Not with the man's warm fingers in his own.
For a moment he's caught up in his thoughts, forgetting to make the idle chatter that's usually his domain.
Surely it couldn't be that terrible if they were lovers. ]
[For a moment, the silence is comforting. Horatio has always cleaved to silences, after all, particularly gentle ones that listed idly between friends.
It's just that, abruptly, it occurs to him how rare they are with Archie.
The idea of not taking the other man at his word is nearly impossible. Particularly here, with centuries of breathing room from their true duties, there had never been much reason to believe Archie wasn't being entirely candid with him. And hadn't the man just said things were all right? Hadn't they just made certain of one another again? Wouldn't it be infinitely worse to upset things now by dragging the question out again?
But the silence stretches, and puts a slight squirm into Horatio's shoulders when they reach the other man's door.] --all right, Archie?
I am capable of it, you know. [ He aims for light and cheerful, but he's looking up at his friend and it comes out ponderous.
A moment passes staring at Horatio before he remembers that they're still out on the landing. Best to continue inside.
He steps into the room, keeping a tight hold on Horatio's hand as though if he loses that connection he'll lose all his courage. The fluttering in his chest is back with a vengeance.]
What if-- [Mercury damn it, where's all his eloquence gone tonight?]
[A quick step keeps them close together as they enter the room. A tight squeeze keeps Horatio's pulse from jumping entirely out of control.
His other hand lifted to Archie's shoulder hopefully keeps them both grounded. The floor isn't actually swaying beneath their feet, but what helps in a violent storm will surely help here.
There's no one else he'd rather be clinging to.] What if?
[In this moment it would be the easiest thing in the world to lean over and kiss Horatio. That would convey a lot of what he's thinking, and perhaps be enough to gauge how amenable Horatio is.
But Archie had sworn to himself he'd never kiss someone-- really kiss them-- without their permission.
So he presses his lips together in thought, looking up at Horatio with the most earnest expression he can manage.]
[This is all right. This is the familiar safety of Archie's room in the quiet of Mercury's insula. This is the man he had trusted back home and very much trusts here. This is as far as either of them will ever get from the constraints of the Navy's rules and the nation's laws and the constriction of duty which demanded they be anyone but themselves.
All of that, surely, makes it something just shy of the end of the world that Archie Kennedy is asking earnestly--
Horatio's breath comes in a slight huff, like a man punched in the gut. His fingers squeeze thoughtlessly tighter into Archie's shoulder. His entire body seems to sway forward--and it takes a supreme effort to force himself back into stillness.]
What-- [His throat feels painfully dry.] --what if you did, Archie?
[And that's painfully horrifying to murmur aloud, even here, even now, even in the incredible safety of being alone exactly where they are. It's one thing to think it. It's one thing to wonder about it. It's one thing to drift through the strange new knowledge that this was something he shared with his oldest friend, something that made idle thoughts all the more feverish for their new sense of possibility.]
If...
[(The ghosts have faded. The voices actually ringing in his mind no longer echo through him. But the panic that those whispers had been true lingers, somewhere at the edge of every thought that might end with a kiss.)]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 02:18 am (UTC)But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
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Date: 2019-04-03 02:40 am (UTC)He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 11:32 am (UTC)The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
Then I've still... done you a disservice.
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Date: 2019-04-03 08:49 pm (UTC)[The delicate flush spreading across Horatio's cheeks is entirely too lovely. Archie fixes his gaze on the man's shoulder instead.]
They've made the same comments to me, you know. I've had ample opportunity to unceremoniously kick you out if I were worried about my reputation.
[Where has this tightness in his chest sprung from? Everything is fine, surely. What's important is making sure Horatio is put at his ease.]
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Date: 2019-04-05 01:38 am (UTC)It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
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Date: 2019-04-05 01:48 am (UTC)He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
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Date: 2019-04-05 02:35 am (UTC)You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 02:50 am (UTC)I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-06 06:06 pm (UTC)But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
Truly, Archie?
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Date: 2019-04-06 09:53 pm (UTC)I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in my bed.
[That's... fine to say to a shipmate, isn't it?]
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Date: 2019-04-07 01:01 am (UTC)Better to focus instead on the lovely seep of relief through his bones.]
Hm.
[This isn't perfect. Nothing in Horatio's life ever has been. At least this imperfection leaves something warm in his chest, rather than the usual sinking sensation.]
But you will kick me out? If need be?
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Date: 2019-04-07 05:34 am (UTC)[So never.]
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Date: 2019-04-07 11:42 am (UTC)Good. [Emotional exhaustion unschools his features sufficiently to gnaw absently at the corner of his lip, gaze briefly flitting up the stairs they're sheltering beside.] Tonight?
[Tonight had been... fraught, in a way things usually weren't between them. Space might help.
Falling asleep listening to Archie's pulse also might.]
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Date: 2019-04-08 03:45 am (UTC)Come on. If stand about all night worrying ourselves to death it won't help either of us.
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Date: 2019-04-08 11:03 am (UTC)Not remotely odd, how half the compound must have landed on the idea the two young men were lovers.]
Lead the way, then.
[He'll sleep well, Horatio is fairly certain, with this weight lifted from his chest. Best of all if he's allowed to press in close, tangling long limbs into place so he can press himself in safe against Archie's collarbone. Perhaps he'll even test the theory while he's properly awake.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-09 10:37 am (UTC)The tightness in his chest is still there. He suspects he won't sleep easily tonight. Not now that Horatio is aware of what the talk is. Not with the man's warm fingers in his own.
For a moment he's caught up in his thoughts, forgetting to make the idle chatter that's usually his domain.
Surely it couldn't be that terrible if they were lovers. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-10 11:13 am (UTC)It's just that, abruptly, it occurs to him how rare they are with Archie.
The idea of not taking the other man at his word is nearly impossible. Particularly here, with centuries of breathing room from their true duties, there had never been much reason to believe Archie wasn't being entirely candid with him. And hadn't the man just said things were all right? Hadn't they just made certain of one another again? Wouldn't it be infinitely worse to upset things now by dragging the question out again?
But the silence stretches, and puts a slight squirm into Horatio's shoulders when they reach the other man's door.] --all right, Archie?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-06 10:05 am (UTC)It's one thing to think it, and entirely another to bring that thought out into the real living world.
A world which contained a possibility of ruining their so recently imperiled peace. ]
Just-- thinking.
[He doesn't elaborate yet, but there's nothing in his tone that forbids further inquiry.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-07 02:32 am (UTC)A beat helps bleed out the first wash of fear. A squeeze of the hand in his own helps make real the restored certainty between them.]
Oh?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-07 03:08 am (UTC)A moment passes staring at Horatio before he remembers that they're still out on the landing. Best to continue inside.
He steps into the room, keeping a tight hold on Horatio's hand as though if he loses that connection he'll lose all his courage. The fluttering in his chest is back with a vengeance.]
What if-- [Mercury damn it, where's all his eloquence gone tonight?]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-08 02:37 am (UTC)His other hand lifted to Archie's shoulder hopefully keeps them both grounded. The floor isn't actually swaying beneath their feet, but what helps in a violent storm will surely help here.
There's no one else he'd rather be clinging to.] What if?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-09 11:59 pm (UTC)But Archie had sworn to himself he'd never kiss someone-- really kiss them-- without their permission.
So he presses his lips together in thought, looking up at Horatio with the most earnest expression he can manage.]
What if I were to kiss you, Horatio?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-10 12:52 am (UTC)All of that, surely, makes it something just shy of the end of the world that Archie Kennedy is asking earnestly--
Horatio's breath comes in a slight huff, like a man punched in the gut. His fingers squeeze thoughtlessly tighter into Archie's shoulder. His entire body seems to sway forward--and it takes a supreme effort to force himself back into stillness.]
What-- [His throat feels painfully dry.] --what if you did, Archie?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-10 01:10 am (UTC)[ Would it have been better to come at this jovially? Surely that would be better than the slight quaver in his voice.
But Horatio is holding his arm, and looking at him his lovely dark eyes, and Archie is certain he knows what that look means. Mostly certain. Quite.
Oh, lord. Has he been a fool all this time? ]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-10 01:50 am (UTC)[And that's painfully horrifying to murmur aloud, even here, even now, even in the incredible safety of being alone exactly where they are. It's one thing to think it. It's one thing to wonder about it. It's one thing to drift through the strange new knowledge that this was something he shared with his oldest friend, something that made idle thoughts all the more feverish for their new sense of possibility.]
If...
[(The ghosts have faded. The voices actually ringing in his mind no longer echo through him. But the panic that those whispers had been true lingers, somewhere at the edge of every thought that might end with a kiss.)]
...if you wanted to.
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