[Of course he doesn't begrudge Archie his own space. Of course, now it's been pointed out to him, it's easy to see how terribly greedy he's been since the tumult of the arena.
Horatio's breath comes short as he ducks his head, better able to force words out if he focuses in the middle distance near the other man's knees.]
You shouldn't have to-- ask me to leave, Archie. I should have realized sooner.
[And then Archie wouldn't have to be spluttering through how to express his unhappiness with the situation now.]
There's no need to hide the frown creasing his brow in the half-shadow of the stairs. Horatio still can't quite manage to drag his gaze properly back to Archie's face.]
I am. [The thought comes out impulsively, weighing his head down further from meeting his friend's gaze.] I was.
[And all the terrible pieces of him which didn't deserve Archie's friendship still could be. It was weakness, but there it was.]
But I've-- counsel against my own selfishness now.
[Something close to it, anyway. The arched brows and soft comments hadn't been nearly so direct as to spell out exactly the harm he was surely doing to his friend, but Horatio had always been good at reading in the worst.
Your selfishne-- [The ridiculousness of that sentiment (that Horatio was the selfish one instead of Archie) doesn't have time to be fully processed.]
Counsel?
[It would be good to take a breath, to calm himself enough to have control over his tone. But there's no time. The words come out more accusatory than he'd like.]
[He's ruined this. He's really and properly ruined this, because one of the most cheerful people in this or any world sounds absolutely cross.]
Everyone.
[Or, if one accounts for the Hornblowerian tendency to exaggerate and extrapolate when he feels he's done something wrong, probably River. Maybe also Mary or Squalo.
People who could probably be counted on to tease, but who were unlikely to have planted anything close to the hurtful thought which had clearly blossomed in Horatio's chest.]
Every-- ? [While Archie can't stop on his own account, he can try to get himself under control for Horatio. The man clearly feels as upset about the state of affairs as Archie, with hardly the excuse of being the one to blame.
Archie takes a breath, lowers his voice. He wants to touch the man's shoulder, take his hand-- physically connect with him in some way, but he's just too unsure of what's actually happening right now to risk it.] Horatio. Who exactly have you been talking to and what have they been saying?
[The breath helps, somehow. The sense of Archie shifting, settling, helps a good deal to bring Horatio's own pulse a little closer to calm.
The sensation of not quite being reached for helps less. There's something strangely acute in a passing heartbeat which drags Horatio's gaze up for a moment, trying to read the edges of Archie's features before another wave of shame drops his attention fully to the ground.]
Lady Mary asked if I'd moved. [Because, his mind supplied, he'd been a constant drain on what should have been Archie's own private space.] Mr. Flynn asked if I'd made-- full conquest of your bedposts. [He'd phrased it oddly, but lord only knew why Horatio would want to put notches in anything Archie owned.] And Miss River asked if I'd been keeping you up at night.
[That one he should have noticed, but the guilt had already been clogging up his ears.]
[ The conversation suddenly takes a turn towards the absurd.
If this were anyone else Archie would ask them to repeat themselves, but Horatio of all people can be counted on not to joke about such things. Archie's eye grow wide, understanding finally dawning across his face.
Horatio, dear straight-forward Horatio, has been getting teased about their sharing a bed.
The relief washing through him leads to the only thing there is to do: laugh. What an absurd misunderstanding.]
[Something always feels easier in his chest when Archie laughs. That's as indisputable as the laws of physics.
But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
Lord, Horatio. We're a right pair of idiots. [His laughter easing, he puts out a hand to steady himself against Horatio's shoulder.
He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
[Maybe everything isn't terrible. If Archie is laughing and touching his shoulder, warm and at ease again, then maybe the most precious friendship Horatio has won't be swallowed whole by these rough hurts.
The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
[That's an odd thought--Archie hearing, understanding, and simply shrugging the bold supposition off. Maybe it's just that the question isn't one of life and death here. Maybe it's just that Archie has always had a far more even keel between the two of them.
It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
I thought-- [He's almost embarrassed of it now. Wasn't that one of his greatest faults? Too quick to think the worst and get caught up in the emotion of the moment.
He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
[This isn't exactly right yet. There are still a few wrinkled edges to smooth back into place, a few bits and pieces to be swept up and set to rights. But there's barely any hesitation in reaching to give Archie's arm a light squeeze.]
You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
[Archie reaches back so they're holding each other's arms, and if that isn't comforting nothing else ever will be.]
I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
[This still feels right. This isn't at all going to help with the impression that they're lovers.
But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
[Horatio's fingers at his arm aren't helping ease the tightness in his chest, but they're comforting after the panic he's just felt and distracting enough that he doesn't check himself as he responds.]
I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in my bed.
[That's... probably fine to say to a shipmate. That probably shouldn't quicken Horatio's pulse, pressed lips parting just slightly without any proper words to follow.
Better to focus instead on the lovely seep of relief through his bones.]
Hm.
[This isn't perfect. Nothing in Horatio's life ever has been. At least this imperfection leaves something warm in his chest, rather than the usual sinking sensation.]
[There. That's another bit of tension unwound from Horaito's shoulders. His cheeks are still absolutely on fire, but it's the manageable sort of fluster he can breathe through.]
Good. [Emotional exhaustion unschools his features sufficiently to gnaw absently at the corner of his lip, gaze briefly flitting up the stairs they're sheltering beside.] Tonight?
[Tonight had been... fraught, in a way things usually weren't between them. Space might help.
Falling asleep listening to Archie's pulse also might.]
[Odd, how comforting it had become to catch hold of Archie's hand. Also odd, how natural it felt to squeeze at the other man's familiar fingers, to shift and press the other lieutenant's knuckles briefly against his cheek in a tired gesture of affection.
Not remotely odd, how half the compound must have landed on the idea the two young men were lovers.]
Lead the way, then.
[He'll sleep well, Horatio is fairly certain, with this weight lifted from his chest. Best of all if he's allowed to press in close, tangling long limbs into place so he can press himself in safe against Archie's collarbone. Perhaps he'll even test the theory while he's properly awake.]
[ The walk to his quarters is familiar, though it feels new to undertake it with Horatio's hand in his.
The tightness in his chest is still there. He suspects he won't sleep easily tonight. Not now that Horatio is aware of what the talk is. Not with the man's warm fingers in his own.
For a moment he's caught up in his thoughts, forgetting to make the idle chatter that's usually his domain.
Surely it couldn't be that terrible if they were lovers. ]
[For a moment, the silence is comforting. Horatio has always cleaved to silences, after all, particularly gentle ones that listed idly between friends.
It's just that, abruptly, it occurs to him how rare they are with Archie.
The idea of not taking the other man at his word is nearly impossible. Particularly here, with centuries of breathing room from their true duties, there had never been much reason to believe Archie wasn't being entirely candid with him. And hadn't the man just said things were all right? Hadn't they just made certain of one another again? Wouldn't it be infinitely worse to upset things now by dragging the question out again?
But the silence stretches, and puts a slight squirm into Horatio's shoulders when they reach the other man's door.] --all right, Archie?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
i want to believe
Date: 2019-04-01 01:55 am (UTC)Horatio's breath comes short as he ducks his head, better able to force words out if he focuses in the middle distance near the other man's knees.]
You shouldn't have to-- ask me to leave, Archie. I should have realized sooner.
[And then Archie wouldn't have to be spluttering through how to express his unhappiness with the situation now.]
me tooooo
Date: 2019-04-01 03:20 am (UTC)He looks up sharply.] Ask you to leave?
Horatio. I shouldn't have assumed you were happy sharing my quarters. [And doesn't he feel like a right pillock about it.]
they're already better than they've been so. progress??
Date: 2019-04-01 11:02 am (UTC)There's no need to hide the frown creasing his brow in the half-shadow of the stairs. Horatio still can't quite manage to drag his gaze properly back to Archie's face.]
I am. [The thought comes out impulsively, weighing his head down further from meeting his friend's gaze.] I was.
[And all the terrible pieces of him which didn't deserve Archie's friendship still could be. It was weakness, but there it was.]
But I've-- counsel against my own selfishness now.
[Something close to it, anyway. The arched brows and soft comments hadn't been nearly so direct as to spell out exactly the harm he was surely doing to his friend, but Horatio had always been good at reading in the worst.
(And, admittedly, at missing obvious innuendo.)]
they're expressing emotions????
Date: 2019-04-01 07:24 pm (UTC)Counsel?
[It would be good to take a breath, to calm himself enough to have control over his tone. But there's no time. The words come out more accusatory than he'd like.]
Horatio, who've you been talking to?
how long can they keep this up??
Date: 2019-04-02 01:20 am (UTC)Everyone.
[Or, if one accounts for the Hornblowerian tendency to exaggerate and extrapolate when he feels he's done something wrong, probably River. Maybe also Mary or Squalo.
People who could probably be counted on to tease, but who were unlikely to have planted anything close to the hurtful thought which had clearly blossomed in Horatio's chest.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-02 01:52 am (UTC)Archie takes a breath, lowers his voice. He wants to touch the man's shoulder, take his hand-- physically connect with him in some way, but he's just too unsure of what's actually happening right now to risk it.] Horatio. Who exactly have you been talking to and what have they been saying?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 01:32 am (UTC)The sensation of not quite being reached for helps less. There's something strangely acute in a passing heartbeat which drags Horatio's gaze up for a moment, trying to read the edges of Archie's features before another wave of shame drops his attention fully to the ground.]
Lady Mary asked if I'd moved. [Because, his mind supplied, he'd been a constant drain on what should have been Archie's own private space.] Mr. Flynn asked if I'd made-- full conquest of your bedposts. [He'd phrased it oddly, but lord only knew why Horatio would want to put notches in anything Archie owned.] And Miss River asked if I'd been keeping you up at night.
[That one he should have noticed, but the guilt had already been clogging up his ears.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 01:55 am (UTC)If this were anyone else Archie would ask them to repeat themselves, but Horatio of all people can be counted on not to joke about such things. Archie's eye grow wide, understanding finally dawning across his face.
Horatio, dear straight-forward Horatio, has been getting teased about their sharing a bed.
The relief washing through him leads to the only thing there is to do: laugh. What an absurd misunderstanding.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 02:18 am (UTC)But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 02:40 am (UTC)He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 11:32 am (UTC)The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
Then I've still... done you a disservice.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 08:49 pm (UTC)[The delicate flush spreading across Horatio's cheeks is entirely too lovely. Archie fixes his gaze on the man's shoulder instead.]
They've made the same comments to me, you know. I've had ample opportunity to unceremoniously kick you out if I were worried about my reputation.
[Where has this tightness in his chest sprung from? Everything is fine, surely. What's important is making sure Horatio is put at his ease.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 01:38 am (UTC)It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 01:48 am (UTC)He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 02:35 am (UTC)You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 02:50 am (UTC)I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-06 06:06 pm (UTC)But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
Truly, Archie?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-06 09:53 pm (UTC)I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in my bed.
[That's... fine to say to a shipmate, isn't it?]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-07 01:01 am (UTC)Better to focus instead on the lovely seep of relief through his bones.]
Hm.
[This isn't perfect. Nothing in Horatio's life ever has been. At least this imperfection leaves something warm in his chest, rather than the usual sinking sensation.]
But you will kick me out? If need be?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-07 05:34 am (UTC)[So never.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-07 11:42 am (UTC)Good. [Emotional exhaustion unschools his features sufficiently to gnaw absently at the corner of his lip, gaze briefly flitting up the stairs they're sheltering beside.] Tonight?
[Tonight had been... fraught, in a way things usually weren't between them. Space might help.
Falling asleep listening to Archie's pulse also might.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-08 03:45 am (UTC)Come on. If stand about all night worrying ourselves to death it won't help either of us.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-08 11:03 am (UTC)Not remotely odd, how half the compound must have landed on the idea the two young men were lovers.]
Lead the way, then.
[He'll sleep well, Horatio is fairly certain, with this weight lifted from his chest. Best of all if he's allowed to press in close, tangling long limbs into place so he can press himself in safe against Archie's collarbone. Perhaps he'll even test the theory while he's properly awake.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-09 10:37 am (UTC)The tightness in his chest is still there. He suspects he won't sleep easily tonight. Not now that Horatio is aware of what the talk is. Not with the man's warm fingers in his own.
For a moment he's caught up in his thoughts, forgetting to make the idle chatter that's usually his domain.
Surely it couldn't be that terrible if they were lovers. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-10 11:13 am (UTC)It's just that, abruptly, it occurs to him how rare they are with Archie.
The idea of not taking the other man at his word is nearly impossible. Particularly here, with centuries of breathing room from their true duties, there had never been much reason to believe Archie wasn't being entirely candid with him. And hadn't the man just said things were all right? Hadn't they just made certain of one another again? Wouldn't it be infinitely worse to upset things now by dragging the question out again?
But the silence stretches, and puts a slight squirm into Horatio's shoulders when they reach the other man's door.] --all right, Archie?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: