Part of it, Horatio suspects, must have been the comfort of familiarity. The liburna hadn't exactly been a sloop (or properly at sea), but the reassuring sensation of being more than half-acclimated to something was a wonderful sort of release. Part of it, he also suspects, must have been the oddly cathartic sensation of being relieved of Norrington's expectations. It would been better if he had not been found wanting, but at least some clear marks had been made as to exactly where he stood with the man.
Most of if, however, had simply been Archie.
Watching Archie breathe bled out hurt. Feeling Archie's pulse under his fingers smoothed out his own. Trusting the warmth beside him tugged him down into the heavy sort of sleep which usually only came after being awake for days. The next week had been infinitely easier to bear after the proper night's sleep and the hazy comfort of waking curled against his dearest friend's side.
The second night is solely scientific. The third and fourth nights are controlling for other variables. At some point, it simply begins to feel natural to follow Archie into Mercury's insula at night rather than returning to his own.
Until tonight, anyway. Tonight, Horatio finds himself slowing, fighting the impulse to follow, marshaling himself to turn toward Vulcan rather than nipping along at Archie's heels.]
[ The morning after the sea battle Archie wakes with Horatio Hornblower in his bed and cannot quite believe it.
Then it happens again. And keeps happening. There's something like being back on board the Indy in it, both sharing the space and quiet conversation at the end of a long day.
No entirely the same, though. Men sharing beds wasn't anything to turn a head at, especially in service. One had to make do with what one had and sleep where one could find it. But this wasn't the service, and Horatio certainly had his own bed to make use of any time he liked.
But other than some gentle mingling of hands and the inevitable touching that occurred when sleeping in the same bed, that was it. Archie's insides still fluttered terribly (and for a few nights he'd been unable to sleep for thinking of the weight of Horatio's thigh resting against his) but he likes it. It makes Rome feel like home and makes Archie feel less alone. He likes to think it helps Horatio feel better too.
So we he declares he's for rest and Horatio doesn't fall into step, Archie thinks nothing of it.] Not coming to bed yet?
...no. [It would be such an easy thing to simply follow. It had already become a comforting sort of routine--a small thing that could be safely claimed and cherished without undue fuss.
Until an absent comment had settled like grit into the turning of the gears. Until Horatio had actually thought to glance at the other Chosen whenever he scrambled to fall into step beside his oldest friend.
It had never taken much for his imagination to begin his mind down the path of intense doubt.] I'll--
[There's no conviction in nodding toward his own insula.]
You'll-- [Archie fights to keep his expression neutral as understanding dawns on him, ushering in his old friends confusion and hurt.
Horatio had every right to go to his own rooms, surely.] Oh.
[He attempts to rally, pulling his lips into something akin to a smile. His tone may even approximate joviality, to the unfamiliar eye.] Well. I hope you get a good night's rest.
[Now is the time for him to continue on to bed instead of standing about uselessly. Except he doesn't move.]
[It's almost a smile. It's almost the bright, familiar tone the entire compound is surely quite familiar with by now.
It's just that Horatio had a few years of knowledge to compare this to. (It's also, admittedly, that there had been so many long quiet hours just recently of studying the little ticks and twitches in Archie's features in the close quarters of a single bed. That part doesn't particularly help to consider.)
He hadn't been quite able to take his first step away, but the unhappiness in the other lieutenant roots him fully into place.]
You-- as well. [His cheeks puff slightly, not quite able to wrangle a laugh from anywhere inside.] I imagine it will be easier without me.
[God, it will be miserable without Archie's steady warmth just close enough to touch.]
Easier? I-- perhaps it will be. [Were there signs that Archie has missed? Horatio is too prone to never stating his own feelings, after all. He might have been longing to get back to having his own private space and simply unable to say anything. Archie's been so caught up in himself he might have looked right past it.
The thought of imposing on Horatio while selfishly enjoying his company makes Archie feel sick to his stomach. He turns to go, aware that he's losing the fight over his expression and not wanting Horatio to see it.
But he stops.]
If you've felt-- that is. If I've been-- [he words are hard, but he wont leave this unsaid. He's faced the French, surely he can face Horatio.] Damnit, Horatio. I wish you'd said something sooner.
[This is for the best. This isn't imposing on Archie's kindness, pressing on their friendship until it was sure to give way with a brittle snap. This isn't overstaying his welcome in a port of safety--or becoming too accustomed to a luxury he doesn't quite deserve.
Except that, abruptly, this isn't for the best at all, because Archie is stuck in his turning and speaking with the harshness of the deeply wounded.
The entire point of this terrible exercise is to be seen going their separate ways. Horatio's body acts of its own accord all the same, moving to step past his friend into the slight shadows of the stairs leading up into Mercury's insula. His fingers catch briefly, nervously, passingly at Archie's arm, almost ready to tug but hesitant to demand too much.
This isn't a conversation anyone else needs to be part of. (This is a conversation better suited for the privacy of Archie's room--but it would be so much more painful to be sent away from that haven than from this.)]
[ It takes a moment to realise why Horatio's removed them to this quieter place and again Archie berates himself.
Blast it all. Of course Horatio wouldn't want to air his feelings in public. Lord, he must be the worst friend.]
We're friends, Horatio... but neither of us begrudges a man wanting his own space. Neither of us wants the other to be uncomfortable, surely you know that. [This is 100% what this conversation is about.] I thought you were-- well. Perhaps I should have said something, or at least asked.
[Of course he doesn't begrudge Archie his own space. Of course, now it's been pointed out to him, it's easy to see how terribly greedy he's been since the tumult of the arena.
Horatio's breath comes short as he ducks his head, better able to force words out if he focuses in the middle distance near the other man's knees.]
You shouldn't have to-- ask me to leave, Archie. I should have realized sooner.
[And then Archie wouldn't have to be spluttering through how to express his unhappiness with the situation now.]
There's no need to hide the frown creasing his brow in the half-shadow of the stairs. Horatio still can't quite manage to drag his gaze properly back to Archie's face.]
I am. [The thought comes out impulsively, weighing his head down further from meeting his friend's gaze.] I was.
[And all the terrible pieces of him which didn't deserve Archie's friendship still could be. It was weakness, but there it was.]
But I've-- counsel against my own selfishness now.
[Something close to it, anyway. The arched brows and soft comments hadn't been nearly so direct as to spell out exactly the harm he was surely doing to his friend, but Horatio had always been good at reading in the worst.
Your selfishne-- [The ridiculousness of that sentiment (that Horatio was the selfish one instead of Archie) doesn't have time to be fully processed.]
Counsel?
[It would be good to take a breath, to calm himself enough to have control over his tone. But there's no time. The words come out more accusatory than he'd like.]
[He's ruined this. He's really and properly ruined this, because one of the most cheerful people in this or any world sounds absolutely cross.]
Everyone.
[Or, if one accounts for the Hornblowerian tendency to exaggerate and extrapolate when he feels he's done something wrong, probably River. Maybe also Mary or Squalo.
People who could probably be counted on to tease, but who were unlikely to have planted anything close to the hurtful thought which had clearly blossomed in Horatio's chest.]
Every-- ? [While Archie can't stop on his own account, he can try to get himself under control for Horatio. The man clearly feels as upset about the state of affairs as Archie, with hardly the excuse of being the one to blame.
Archie takes a breath, lowers his voice. He wants to touch the man's shoulder, take his hand-- physically connect with him in some way, but he's just too unsure of what's actually happening right now to risk it.] Horatio. Who exactly have you been talking to and what have they been saying?
[The breath helps, somehow. The sense of Archie shifting, settling, helps a good deal to bring Horatio's own pulse a little closer to calm.
The sensation of not quite being reached for helps less. There's something strangely acute in a passing heartbeat which drags Horatio's gaze up for a moment, trying to read the edges of Archie's features before another wave of shame drops his attention fully to the ground.]
Lady Mary asked if I'd moved. [Because, his mind supplied, he'd been a constant drain on what should have been Archie's own private space.] Mr. Flynn asked if I'd made-- full conquest of your bedposts. [He'd phrased it oddly, but lord only knew why Horatio would want to put notches in anything Archie owned.] And Miss River asked if I'd been keeping you up at night.
[That one he should have noticed, but the guilt had already been clogging up his ears.]
[ The conversation suddenly takes a turn towards the absurd.
If this were anyone else Archie would ask them to repeat themselves, but Horatio of all people can be counted on not to joke about such things. Archie's eye grow wide, understanding finally dawning across his face.
Horatio, dear straight-forward Horatio, has been getting teased about their sharing a bed.
The relief washing through him leads to the only thing there is to do: laugh. What an absurd misunderstanding.]
[Something always feels easier in his chest when Archie laughs. That's as indisputable as the laws of physics.
But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
Lord, Horatio. We're a right pair of idiots. [His laughter easing, he puts out a hand to steady himself against Horatio's shoulder.
He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
[Maybe everything isn't terrible. If Archie is laughing and touching his shoulder, warm and at ease again, then maybe the most precious friendship Horatio has won't be swallowed whole by these rough hurts.
The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
[That's an odd thought--Archie hearing, understanding, and simply shrugging the bold supposition off. Maybe it's just that the question isn't one of life and death here. Maybe it's just that Archie has always had a far more even keel between the two of them.
It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
I thought-- [He's almost embarrassed of it now. Wasn't that one of his greatest faults? Too quick to think the worst and get caught up in the emotion of the moment.
He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
[This isn't exactly right yet. There are still a few wrinkled edges to smooth back into place, a few bits and pieces to be swept up and set to rights. But there's barely any hesitation in reaching to give Archie's arm a light squeeze.]
You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
[Archie reaches back so they're holding each other's arms, and if that isn't comforting nothing else ever will be.]
I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
[This still feels right. This isn't at all going to help with the impression that they're lovers.
But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
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timeasmymeasure
post-game fixes for what ails ya
Date: 2019-03-30 01:06 am (UTC)Part of it, Horatio suspects, must have been the comfort of familiarity. The liburna hadn't exactly been a sloop (or properly at sea), but the reassuring sensation of being more than half-acclimated to something was a wonderful sort of release. Part of it, he also suspects, must have been the oddly cathartic sensation of being relieved of Norrington's expectations. It would been better if he had not been found wanting, but at least some clear marks had been made as to exactly where he stood with the man.
Most of if, however, had simply been Archie.
Watching Archie breathe bled out hurt. Feeling Archie's pulse under his fingers smoothed out his own. Trusting the warmth beside him tugged him down into the heavy sort of sleep which usually only came after being awake for days. The next week had been infinitely easier to bear after the proper night's sleep and the hazy comfort of waking curled against his dearest friend's side.
The second night is solely scientific. The third and fourth nights are controlling for other variables. At some point, it simply begins to feel natural to follow Archie into Mercury's insula at night rather than returning to his own.
Until tonight, anyway. Tonight, Horatio finds himself slowing, fighting the impulse to follow, marshaling himself to turn toward Vulcan rather than nipping along at Archie's heels.]
everything ails me and everything hurts but it's a good hurt
Date: 2019-03-30 01:32 am (UTC)Then it happens again. And keeps happening. There's something like being back on board the Indy in it, both sharing the space and quiet conversation at the end of a long day.
No entirely the same, though. Men sharing beds wasn't anything to turn a head at, especially in service. One had to make do with what one had and sleep where one could find it. But this wasn't the service, and Horatio certainly had his own bed to make use of any time he liked.
But other than some gentle mingling of hands and the inevitable touching that occurred when sleeping in the same bed, that was it. Archie's insides still fluttered terribly (and for a few nights he'd been unable to sleep for thinking of the weight of Horatio's thigh resting against his) but he likes it. It makes Rome feel like home and makes Archie feel less alone. He likes to think it helps Horatio feel better too.
So we he declares he's for rest and Horatio doesn't fall into step, Archie thinks nothing of it.] Not coming to bed yet?
good because it always gets worse before it gets less worse
Date: 2019-03-31 01:55 am (UTC)Until an absent comment had settled like grit into the turning of the gears. Until Horatio had actually thought to glance at the other Chosen whenever he scrambled to fall into step beside his oldest friend.
It had never taken much for his imagination to begin his mind down the path of intense doubt.] I'll--
[There's no conviction in nodding toward his own insula.]
i dream of less worse
Date: 2019-03-31 02:07 am (UTC)Horatio had every right to go to his own rooms, surely.] Oh.
[He attempts to rally, pulling his lips into something akin to a smile. His tone may even approximate joviality, to the unfamiliar eye.] Well. I hope you get a good night's rest.
[Now is the time for him to continue on to bed instead of standing about uselessly. Except he doesn't move.]
they have the technology
Date: 2019-03-31 03:08 am (UTC)It's just that Horatio had a few years of knowledge to compare this to. (It's also, admittedly, that there had been so many long quiet hours just recently of studying the little ticks and twitches in Archie's features in the close quarters of a single bed. That part doesn't particularly help to consider.)
He hadn't been quite able to take his first step away, but the unhappiness in the other lieutenant roots him fully into place.]
You-- as well. [His cheeks puff slightly, not quite able to wrangle a laugh from anywhere inside.] I imagine it will be easier without me.
[God, it will be miserable without Archie's steady warmth just close enough to touch.]
they can rebuild him??
Date: 2019-03-31 03:21 am (UTC)The thought of imposing on Horatio while selfishly enjoying his company makes Archie feel sick to his stomach. He turns to go, aware that he's losing the fight over his expression and not wanting Horatio to see it.
But he stops.]
If you've felt-- that is. If I've been-- [he words are hard, but he wont leave this unsaid. He's faced the French, surely he can face Horatio.] Damnit, Horatio. I wish you'd said something sooner.
the first emotionally honest rn officer??
Date: 2019-03-31 02:47 pm (UTC)Except that, abruptly, this isn't for the best at all, because Archie is stuck in his turning and speaking with the harshness of the deeply wounded.
The entire point of this terrible exercise is to be seen going their separate ways. Horatio's body acts of its own accord all the same, moving to step past his friend into the slight shadows of the stairs leading up into Mercury's insula. His fingers catch briefly, nervously, passingly at Archie's arm, almost ready to tug but hesitant to demand too much.
This isn't a conversation anyone else needs to be part of. (This is a conversation better suited for the privacy of Archie's room--but it would be so much more painful to be sent away from that haven than from this.)]
What-- ought I have said?
impossible!!!!
Date: 2019-04-01 12:30 am (UTC)Blast it all. Of course Horatio wouldn't want to air his feelings in public. Lord, he must be the worst friend.]
We're friends, Horatio... but neither of us begrudges a man wanting his own space. Neither of us wants the other to be uncomfortable, surely you know that. [This is 100% what this conversation is about.] I thought you were-- well. Perhaps I should have said something, or at least asked.
i want to believe
Date: 2019-04-01 01:55 am (UTC)Horatio's breath comes short as he ducks his head, better able to force words out if he focuses in the middle distance near the other man's knees.]
You shouldn't have to-- ask me to leave, Archie. I should have realized sooner.
[And then Archie wouldn't have to be spluttering through how to express his unhappiness with the situation now.]
me tooooo
Date: 2019-04-01 03:20 am (UTC)He looks up sharply.] Ask you to leave?
Horatio. I shouldn't have assumed you were happy sharing my quarters. [And doesn't he feel like a right pillock about it.]
they're already better than they've been so. progress??
Date: 2019-04-01 11:02 am (UTC)There's no need to hide the frown creasing his brow in the half-shadow of the stairs. Horatio still can't quite manage to drag his gaze properly back to Archie's face.]
I am. [The thought comes out impulsively, weighing his head down further from meeting his friend's gaze.] I was.
[And all the terrible pieces of him which didn't deserve Archie's friendship still could be. It was weakness, but there it was.]
But I've-- counsel against my own selfishness now.
[Something close to it, anyway. The arched brows and soft comments hadn't been nearly so direct as to spell out exactly the harm he was surely doing to his friend, but Horatio had always been good at reading in the worst.
(And, admittedly, at missing obvious innuendo.)]
they're expressing emotions????
Date: 2019-04-01 07:24 pm (UTC)Counsel?
[It would be good to take a breath, to calm himself enough to have control over his tone. But there's no time. The words come out more accusatory than he'd like.]
Horatio, who've you been talking to?
how long can they keep this up??
Date: 2019-04-02 01:20 am (UTC)Everyone.
[Or, if one accounts for the Hornblowerian tendency to exaggerate and extrapolate when he feels he's done something wrong, probably River. Maybe also Mary or Squalo.
People who could probably be counted on to tease, but who were unlikely to have planted anything close to the hurtful thought which had clearly blossomed in Horatio's chest.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-02 01:52 am (UTC)Archie takes a breath, lowers his voice. He wants to touch the man's shoulder, take his hand-- physically connect with him in some way, but he's just too unsure of what's actually happening right now to risk it.] Horatio. Who exactly have you been talking to and what have they been saying?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 01:32 am (UTC)The sensation of not quite being reached for helps less. There's something strangely acute in a passing heartbeat which drags Horatio's gaze up for a moment, trying to read the edges of Archie's features before another wave of shame drops his attention fully to the ground.]
Lady Mary asked if I'd moved. [Because, his mind supplied, he'd been a constant drain on what should have been Archie's own private space.] Mr. Flynn asked if I'd made-- full conquest of your bedposts. [He'd phrased it oddly, but lord only knew why Horatio would want to put notches in anything Archie owned.] And Miss River asked if I'd been keeping you up at night.
[That one he should have noticed, but the guilt had already been clogging up his ears.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 01:55 am (UTC)If this were anyone else Archie would ask them to repeat themselves, but Horatio of all people can be counted on not to joke about such things. Archie's eye grow wide, understanding finally dawning across his face.
Horatio, dear straight-forward Horatio, has been getting teased about their sharing a bed.
The relief washing through him leads to the only thing there is to do: laugh. What an absurd misunderstanding.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 02:18 am (UTC)But it isn't quite enough to dispel the full force of his own worry. It can't cut through the weight of the accusations Horaito has been slowly piling onto himself in the last 48 hours until, finally, he'd managed to take that first (temporary) step toward his own bed.]
--Archie.
[Is it possible for a name to sound like an apology? Yes.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 02:40 am (UTC)He'd received various comments himself about how Horatio accompanied to bed every night and had quite happily quipped back. The two of them were friends and were simply finding comfort in each other's company: there was no reason to explain to anyone else what that did or did not involve.
Thinking about it now, it was ridiculous to assume Horatio had understood the innuendo behind any comments he received.
He grins, making sure he has Horatio's eye before continuing.] Our friends aren't pointing out your or my selfishness in sharing a room, Horatio. They're assuming we're lovers.
[Horatio will likely be embarrassed enough for the both of them on hearing that, so Archie's determined not to act as though it's any kind of problem. Whatever his own thoughts on the matter.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 11:32 am (UTC)The relief is enough to flick Horatio's gaze up for a moment--which makes everything abruptly terrible again, because there's no good way to hide the flurry of emotions that tumble in a confused rush through the backs of his eyes at the other man's explanation.
The thought isn't the sort of horrific accusation it might have been back home. Most of the Chosen seemed not to think terribly much of this sort of choice, and Rome itself had been overtly welcoming of exactly this sort of dangerous arrangement. That dampens the rush of embarrassment slightly, although not so slightly that scarlet doesn't immediately begin seeping down from Horatio's ears into his cheeks.
Clearing his throat doesn't actually make anything better, but it eats into the drag of half-stunned silence until he can dredge up the right words.]
Then I've still... done you a disservice.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-03 08:49 pm (UTC)[The delicate flush spreading across Horatio's cheeks is entirely too lovely. Archie fixes his gaze on the man's shoulder instead.]
They've made the same comments to me, you know. I've had ample opportunity to unceremoniously kick you out if I were worried about my reputation.
[Where has this tightness in his chest sprung from? Everything is fine, surely. What's important is making sure Horatio is put at his ease.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 01:38 am (UTC)It's still odd to think of Archie not minding. For all its whirling, Horatio isn't entirely certain why.]
What upset you, then?
[Because Archie had been properly upset. As confused as these last few heartbeats had been, there had been real hurt there for a moment.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 01:48 am (UTC)He picks at an invisible hair on his arm and sighs.] I thought perhaps you'd felt uncomfortable or unhappy sharing a room but had been too polite to say so. [He looks up earnestly]
Teasing you is all well and good, but I don't want to take advantage of your politeness simply because I enjoy your company, Horatio.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 02:35 am (UTC)You never have. [And men can change, and men can behave in strange new ways, but it's still easy to add:] I can't imagine you ever would.
[But would Horatio? Might he miss the subtle cues in such a sweet man the way he'd missed the far more blatant ones in the other Chosen?]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-05 02:50 am (UTC)I ought to check though, oughtn't I? And make it clear that you're welcome to share my quarters however often as you like. Or not to, if you want some privacy.
I know I've slept better these past few weeks than I have in years. [He isn't quite fast enough to catch himself. That's perhaps a little too personal.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-06 06:06 pm (UTC)But if Archie doesn't mind it, then it's hardly the absolute worst thing in the world.
It's certainly not the worst thing in the world to know that the last few weeks have made Archie feel at ease. The fluttering of relief pulls his fingers briefly tight into the other man's arm, immediately shifting into an apologetic smoothing.]
Truly, Archie?
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